Fleeting Moments
by Padfootdoppelganger
Summary: It was May 2016. And everything had changed. [My take on a Mariana storyline for season 4] Rated T for language, violence and suicide. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi guys! I just really wanted to write something after watching the season finale of The Fosters. So this is an idea I had after having seen that last scene with Nick. It would mean so much if you wanted to read and leave a review.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own The Fosters, obviously.**

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Chapter 1   
_May 2016  
_

"Mariana? Are you with me?" Mariana turned her focus from the birds in the big oak outside the window. Forcing herself to meet the gaze of the elderly, smiling woman across from her.

"How are you today, Mariana?"  
 _How do you think I am?_  
"Would you like to tell me what you were thinking about just now?"  
 _No, not really_. The silence was deafening. Mariana wanted nothing more than to turn her gaze back out the window. Disappear. Disappear. Disappear.  
"If not, maybe we could talk about fears?", Doctor Moore pressed. " We don't have to talk about your fears. Just fears in general. I can start if you'd like? Well, when I was young I-" Mariana nodded. Tried to listen. Failed. She always tried. And she always failed. She always would fail. She turned her gaze out the window, but the birds were gone.

Lena took her home that afternoon, the kitchen already buzzing with her siblings.  
"Hi, Miss Thing. Did therapy go okay?" Mariana nodded.  
"Good. That's good. Well, we were just having a snack. Any of you want anything?" Mariana sat down. The buzzing of her siblings used to calm her. Before. Before everything. Now it made her numbness subside, but instead of feeling at peace, she felt the sea raging in her head, in her heart. She stood. Felt the buzz in the room die down. Looked up, looked back down. Turned around and walked up the stairs.

She wanted to take a shower. She always took a shower when she came home from the therapist. She always took a shower when she came home.

The hot water made her feel like she was burning. She welcomed it, welcomed the feeling of the fire licking down her spine. It made her feel something. A knock on the door and she turned the shower of.  
"Mariana?" It was Jude. "Dinner's in ten. Moms said you should come down and have something to eat." She could hear his footsteps as he ascended down the stairs.

"So, how was school today?", Lena asked as the passed around the lasagna. Brandon said something. Something about Senior Ditch Day coming up and Callie added to the conversation. Mariana felt her brother eyeing her wearily and looked sideways to meet his gaze. She wanted to reach out to him. Wanted to tell him it was okay. That he could be happy. That she was okay. But she wasn't okay. Was she ever going to be okay? 

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**Really hope you enjoyed it! Don't let the muggles get you down, folks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi ya'll! Really appreciate the reviews! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter. I would love any feedback. And I know my chapters are short. I'm working on it.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, of course.**

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Chapter 2  
 _May 2016_

It had been dark. Afternoon. Or maybe it had been midday? She wasn't sure. But she felt like it had been dark. Maybe it hadn't. To her it had been dark. And every time she closed her eyes she was back again.

"Pancakes for you, love. And then Brandon has promised to drop you off at the therapist on his way to school", Stef smiled and handed Mariana her breakfast plate. Mariana nodded her thanks and reached for her fork. The food didn't taste anything, but it rarely did nowadays. She looked up as her twin entered the kitchen. Lena shot her son a welcoming smile, which he barely acknowledged with a short nod. Jesus had never been a morning person. But now it was worse than before.

"We leave in five, Mariana. You ready?", Brandon asked half an hour later. Mariana nodded, grabbed her bag and descended down the stairs. On her way to the kitchen to grab her phone, she came to a sudden halt. The voices were low, rushed.  
"You can't keep this up, Jesus! We need you to cooperate right now. You're sister needs you to put on a brave face, do you think you can manage that?", Stef ushered, voice edged with underlying rage. And with fear, Mariana realized. Rage and fear and hurt.  
"Why should I be happy, Moms?" The force of her twin's voice almost knocked the young brunette. "Why should I be happy when someone…" He stopped. Took a breath, and Mariana realized she'd been holding one herself. Jesus was broken and it killed her. It killed her that it was her fault. Jesus seemed to have forgotten that other people were in the house. Voice raised, anger boiling.  
"Why should I be happy, when that DICK hurt my sister? Why should I be happy when she's not? Why should I be happy when someone DIED and my sister could have too? I can't…" His voice broke. Like he was suffocating. Because he was.  
 _I'm sorry, Zeus. I'm so sorry._  
"I know you're hurting, baby. And I-" Mariana left. She didn't want to hear it.

The car ride was quiet and she felt uneasy. Mariana hated to feel uneasy among her own family. She didn't want to be alone, yet she couldn't stand to be around people. Where did that leave her?

"So, Mariana. Are you willing to speak today?" Doctor Moore waited a good two minutes for a reply, not moving a muscle inclining she was impatient. Mariana did not speak.  
"Well, in that case, I thought we could reflect a little on things that make us happy. Where we feel safe and secure? You don't need to say anything, we can just think about it and-" Mariana tuned her out. Safe. Secure. Happy. She had felt happy. Before. But that felt like a life time ago. She had been happy with Matt. With… Nick. Before.  
"Are you okay, Mariana? Is this too hard to think about this right now?" Mariana turned her gaze toward Doctor Moore and her weird, flowery dress. Opened her mouth. Lips dry, throat soar. Voice broken.  
"I'm tired. I just want to go home."

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 **Thanks for reading guys. Don't let the muggles get you down, my lovlies.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi guys! I'm so sorry it's been a long time. I've had so much school work to do. But here's another chapter. And THANK YOU so much for the reviews and for reading. You guys are awesome.**

 **Disclaimer: I still do not own The Fosters. It sucks, but there you have it.**

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Chapter 3   
_May 2016_

The nightmares never seemed to stop. Echoing. Echoing. His voice. Her voice. The screaming. Good god, the screaming. Mariana pressed her hands to her ears. Head buried in the pillow. _Please stop. Please stop. Please stop._ Soothing hands on her back. She was not alone. And it wasn't real. This time, it wasn't real.

It had been a week after the accident they had started. The ghosts haunting her, the screams never leaving. They left her wanting to claw her eyes out, drown out the sounds with her own screams. Callie had tried to help her. Tried calming her. Some of the times it had worked. Most of the times it hadn't. Mariana had moved downstairs after a few nights, not wanting to disturb the others, sneaking down when all lights in the house were out. But she had been scared. So scared. Always scared.

He had found her there one night, hands pressed to her ears, tears streaming. And he had held her. And in his arms she had finally, finally felt safe. Jesus and Mariana had fallen asleep on the sofa that night, gripping on to each other in a way they hadn't done in years. Not since Ana and her junkie boyfriends had argued all through the night.

Every night, Jesus and Mariana slept on the cough. And every night, Mariana woke up and wept in her twin brother's arms. They did not speak, and they didn't speak of it to anyone else.

But that night was different. That night, when all the tears where gone, Mariana spoke.  
"Jesus?" He flinched. She hadn't spoken to her family at all since that day.  
"Yes, _hermana_?", he asked. Softly.  
"I'm sorry." He craned his head to look at her, eyebrows creased. Confused.  
"Sorry about what? You don't have anything to be sorry about, Mariana." Mariana kept her eyes closed. Her voice was as hoarse as you might expect from someone who hadn't spoken for over a month.  
"I'm sorry about Nick. It was all my fault, I just… I just didn't want him to kill Matt. Or me. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, it was all my fault. I-" Her voice trailed off. Silence as thick as blood surrounded them.  
"Oh, _hermana_. It's not your fault. You didn't point the gun. You tried to tell him not to. You tried preventing it all. None of it was your fault, Mariana. None of it, okay?" But it had been, she knew that. His eyes haunted her more than anything else. They hadn't wavered an inch from hers as he had pulled the trigger. That second had felt like a year. Like eternity. But it had gone so fast. Too fast.

Mariana hugged her brothers hand, and let him hug hers back.  
"I just… I couldn't stay at his funeral. It was all my fault, and I couldn't even stay at his funeral… I wish you'd been there, Jesus." He sighed sadly, whispered in the darkness, and his voice was low.  
"I'm so sorry, Mariana. I just couldn't… I couldn't stand there and grieve someone I thought was my friend. Someone who… God, someone who pointed a gun at my sister's head. I'm so sorry." The silence ate them again. And when she had almost fallen back asleep, Mariana opened her eyes slightly.  
"It's okay."

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 **Please review, it would make my day.**  
 **Don't let the muggles get you down**


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